In his book Generation to Generation, Jewish rabbi and family therapist Edwin Friedman shows how any system (whether family or church) can be threatened by crisis and chaos. It is bound to break down unless there is a non-anxious presence in the system.

There are two important aspects of this concept. First, the person who provides non-anxious presence must be present in the situation. If he is absent, then he need not be anxious, the way we feel less anxious and troubled when we leave a troubled situation behind. Second, the person must be non-anxious, meaning he remains calm even when everyone else around is in panic.

This does not mean that the person is uninvolved and unemotional—his presence in the situation precludes that. But it means that amid panic and chaos, he remains cool and calm, assessing the situation holistically, and offering perspectives and solutions that are effective and helpful.

Every family will from time to time encounter crises and setbacks; some families more than others. When something unexpected happens, like a serious accident or illness, when a child fails an important exam, or when a parent loses a job, families can be thrown into chaos. Members can panic and start acting in irrational ways, accusing each other of being the cause of their trouble, withdrawing from the situation, or breaking down emotionally.

In such situations, a non-anxious presence can turn things around. At least one of the parents should be that non-anxious presence.

What if no one in the family shows that calm presence? Then the family needs help from outside. Sometimes a member of the extended family, a pastor, or a counsellor can become that non-anxious presence for the family. This means that families in crisis often need help from outside. Churches must be aware of this need and offer help; fellow-Christians in the congregation or small groups can come alongside the family in crisis to stabilise and restore.

None of us are perfect. Even the most sedate and calm of us can panic and be gripped with anxiety. Parents who would normally be calm and collected can lose their cool when an unexpected situation overwhelms them. It is good to remember that the real non-anxious presence who can always be depended on is Christ himself.

Many Christian homes hang up these framed words: “Christ is the Head of this house, the Unseen Guest at every meal, the Silent Listener to every conversation”. His presence is not only something we profess, but something we can really experience.

It is His non-anxious presence in our lives that helps us to be a non-anxious presence in our families. His promises (I am with you. No one can snatch you from my hands. I will never leave you nor forsake you. In me you may have peace. Do not let your hearts be troubled) will help us to experience His presence and share His peace amid difficult circumstances.

It is our relationship with Christ that helps us to provide non-anxious presence in our families. Psalm 112 speaks of the righteous man who fears the Lord. He will never be shaken and “will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD” (Psalm 112:6-7). How blessed it is to experience this in our families.

Consider this:
How do you think our relationship with Jesus helps us to practise non-anxious presence in our families and parenting? When is it necessary to seek help from outside the family?

Excerpted and adapted from Raising the Next Generation by Robert Solomon. © 2019 by Robert Solomon. Used by permission of Discovery House. All rights reserved.

Related Resources:

When Help Is Needed: A Biblical View of Counselling. Wise people look for help when facing the problems of life. The book of Proverbs tell us that good counsel can come from many source, some as close as a friend, and encourages us to look for good counsellors, while being just as careful to avoid the bad ones. Find out more here.

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