Musings on Love, Proposals and Marriage

Many people love watching romantic comedies, or rom-coms. They are entertaining, light-hearted and fun-loving. The psychology behind why people love them is because of their feel-good factor, happy endings and the fundamental human desire to be loved.

Long before the Korean wave hit our shores with K-dramas, many were attracted to Hollywood movies like Pretty Woman (1990), Sleepless in Seattle (1993) and Jerry Maguire (1996). Jerry Maguire, in particular, gave us the classic phrases for couples in love: “You complete me,” and “You had me at hello.”

In the West, love is seen as an individual affair, with the freedom of choice being of greatest importance. But prior to that, for example in the last 100 years, most marriages were arranged. In Asia, we’ve adopted the modern way of thinking, but many parents and extended family still play an important role in choosing one’s life partner.

Romantic love = true love?

I have an Indian friend who lives in Dubai. He is an accomplished man with a master’s degree and works for a European multinational company. By his mid-thirties, his mother in India was worried about him being single. During those days, his colleagues would tease him and attempt to matchmake him.

I remember having a casual conversation with him and he told me that he preferred the traditional Indian custom of arranged marriages, to be done by his parents and family elders. I was quite shocked to hear that as we are living in the 21st century. His cosmopolitan exposure and affluent lifestyle meant he could easily attract women and be considered an ideal life partner.

>>READ: Does the Bible talk about ‘romantic’ love?

>>READ: Agape – Unselfish love that expects nothing in return

So why would he prefer traditional matchmaking rather than choosing for himself? He shared with me that he has no time for dating due to his busy work schedule. Also, all his five siblings’ marriages were arranged, or at least approved by their parents. None of them have separated or divorced, while many of his friend’s marriages have ended up in divorce, even though they chose their own partners.

At the time of writing this, my friend is happily married with two children. His marriage was arranged by his mother and eldest brother. Sometimes I wonder, have we over-exaggerated the idea of ‘romantic’ love as being true love? I mean, it’s what we see in all the movies and on social media, right?

Of course not all arranged marriages are ideal and happy, but my friend’s story shows that family elders – especially parents – with their wisdom and self-less hearts, can be an added asset in the process of choosing our life partners.

This friend’s story reminds me of Abraham, and how he asked his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac (Genesis 24). In this story, the marriage was arranged by Abraham and an elder, described as a senior servant in his household, “the one in charge of all that he [Abraham] had” (verse 2).

This would mean that they both witnessed Isaac’s growth and held his best interests at heart. Through their conversation, we can surmise that a marriage proposal is a serious and solemn activity that involves prayer, observation and faithfulness. It involves God.

Marriage proposal: how do we know we’re ready?

As a pre-marriage counsellor, I’ve come across various marriage proposals. Some are hilarious, some are extravagant, but one thing for sure: it is getting more and more sophisticated and ostentatious. It has become a show to put up because of peer pressure, and a chance to flood social media. It is an opportunity to be seen and to have fun, with many forgetting that a proposal or a wedding is an event, albeit an important one, but a marriage is for life.

Traditionally speaking, when a man and a woman fall in love, the end goal is to get married. Girls have their dream of an ideal marriage (including the proposal), and boys will try their best to meet the girls’ expectations. No matter how impractical, trivial and sometimes absurd to him it may sound, it is the action that would make her over the moon.

But how does one know if he or she is ready to propose or accept a proposal? It is hard to come out with a checklist because every couple and circumstance is different. Some say financial stability is the key, but financial stability is relative. Some say common interests and temperaments are essential, but I have seen couples with different interests and temperaments stay happily together.

Apparently, this “knowing” is not something that is cast in stone, but there are certain features that need to be determined if two people are compatible before taking the relationship to the next level (2 Corinthians 6:14 – 16). They are things like religious faith, worldview, value system, common goals, and interaction chemistry. In addition, wise counsel and discernment from a third party (a mature elder with wisdom and experience) is a favourable advantage.

Love is a never-ending topic. Even though many people experience disappointment in relationships, they still long for someone to share their life with. But love can be very self-centred when one is only obsessed with how they feel or how they’re being treated. Such relationships can be suffocating and uncomfortable.

In order for a love relationship to grow healthily, one needs to be aware of the other’s needs and interests (Philippians 2:3 – 4). The path to a successful and mutually beneficial relationship is always paved with humility, sincerity, and a willingness to make sacrifices. That is the meaning of true love.

About the Author​​

Samuel Low serves as a lead facilitator for Biblical studies in Damansara Utama Methodist Church, and a business coach in the marketplace. He is married with two young adult daughters. He holds a Master of Christian Studies from Seminari Theologi Malaysia and is currently pursuing a Master of Theology at AGST Alliance.

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