When my firstborn was a toddler, I had this ideal picture of what I wanted my days to look like. I wanted to feed her, get her to bed, and then sit down to eat my food leisurely. But things would rarely unfold that way. My daughter would take an hour to eat her entire meal and another half hour to fall asleep and by then I would be tired, hungry, and angry!! 

As a parent, you can be sure that your young ones will disobey, delay and make mistakes, and each of these may give you ample opportunities to get exasperated with them. But did you know that your children can get exasperated with you as well? 

The Bible warns us of this with specific instructions for parents. Colossians 3:21 (NIV) says “Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” and Ephesians 6:4 reads “Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Some translations use the word “provoke” which means “leading to anger.” In other words, the Bible tells us that we need to be careful not to lead our little ones to anger.

One way we provoke our children is by leaving our own exasperation unchecked. We all get frustrated from time to time. When we are, we might get into a fit and say or do things that may hurt our children. Even if we know it’s harmful to them, we may find it difficult to control ourselves in the moment. After we lose our cool, we may feel a deep sense of regret and dismay. But by then, our children might already be feeling confused, angry, helpless, and deeply wounded. 

As parents, we must remain mindful of the impact we have on our children and ask God to reveal our shortcomings. A keen look inward, the observations of our friends and family and the nudging of the Holy Spirit can show us how we are provoking our children. And when we look to God, He will teach us how to do better.

As a counsellor and as a parent myself, there are a few things that I’ve noticed often push parents into exasperation. Let’s look at the top three and learn what the Bible says about how to handle each of them so that our exasperation doesn’t trickle into our children’s lives.

When we’re busy, it can feel like our kids are slowing us down further. They eat too slowly, don’t finish their work fast enough, don’t listen to us immediately, get all the instructions wrong, or just take forever to do simple tasks like brushing their teeth! When there is a lot on our minds, anything can make us snap—even our children’s needs. 

So, what do we do when we’re extremely busy? When Jesus was busy, He took out time to be with God in solitary prayer (Mark 1:32-39). He was surrounded by people and crowds, yet He slipped away in the early hours of the morning to spend time with His Father. 

When our schedules are packed, it may seem difficult to make time to pray. But it is those moments of peace and quiet, when we spend time with the Lord, that we can find our centre in Him. It doesn’t just have to be in the morning. We can say a quick prayer whenever we’re worried or frustrated. Or perhaps we could set a mid-day alarm to check our emotions and take them to our Father in heaven. 

Culturally, in many South Asian homes, mothers are expected to shoulder the burden of parenting almost single handedly while fathers remain confined to the role of the financial provider. But the Bible gives clear instructions for fathers and mothers. Fathers too must teach and train their children in the way they should go and also be godly examples of what they teach (Deuteronomy 6:6-9; Proverbs 22:6). 

One of the things parents teach is how to interact with one another. Parents provide their children with the first example of godly love through their marriage. But sometimes marriages can be trying. When this happens, children are easy targets who get caught in the crossfire. They often become “go-betweens,” “punching bags” or “peacemakers.” Even if they aren’t deliberately put in the middle, children end up being silent witnesses to all the words and actions of their parents. For children, taking sides, regular arguments and witnessing violence can be traumatic. It can build a sense of helplessness and passive anger. 

Hence, it is important for couples to focus on strengthening their marriage. Forgiveness, kindness, patience, honesty, protectiveness, respect, trust and perseverance are attributes of love that are mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13. It’s a good reminder for parents to show those attributes to each other and their children. The marriage is the most important relationship in the parenting journey. For this reason, if we go through a tough season, we must go back to God as well as seek godly counsel.

Home is a place where it is hard to wear a mask. In the face of disappointments and unmet expectations, it can be hard to keep our feelings hidden from our children. When you are ailing but your child needs that glass of water, a trip to the toilet, or has a test to study for, it is hard to show Christlikeness! Similarly, when finances are tight and there’s a long list of bills, loans, and EMIs or when dealing with unemployment, loss of a loved one or stress from work, it is easy to displace our frustration on our kids. 

In such instances too, our best course of action is to go back to God. David took everything to the Lord. His joy, sorrow, discouragement, anxiety, frustration- all of it. The demands of running a house and providing for our loved ones, children included, can cause considerable stress on parents. But our time with God also reminds us that the provider, Jehovah Jireh, is God. God provides for our clothes, food, and physical needs (Matthew 6:25-34). He provides the same for our children too. Whether its school uniforms, tuition fees, birthday parties, or school trips, we can run to our Father and their Father for everything.

In addition to our relationship with God, it is also good for parents to lean onto our God-given family—the Church. The early church played a crucial role in the common welfare of all its members. They addressed the needs in their midst by helping one and other (Acts 4:44-46). This can be true for us as today too. The church can come alongside parents to reinforce the value of God’s Word by providing help and support and by reflecting godly living to children and families. Sunday school, youth groups, family-focused programs and church friends can also provide comfort and support in practical ways.

Parenting is a tremendous opportunity to learn, model and teach Christ-like behaviour. Being Christlike parents means going back to our heavenly Father every day. When we rely on God for all our needs, He fills us with a daily dose of grace, patience, and a renewed mind. In God, we find strength and refuge whatever our circumstances. He also brings people in the form of friends, family and church to strengthen us. And through His work in us, His Spirit girds us to be like Jesus toward His precious children, who He has entrusted to us so that we can bring them up to be more like Him.