So what’s in it for me?” It’s a question worth asking about marriage, and not without reason.

• To the high school girl, it’s her wedding day, a white gown, four beautiful bridesmaids, candles, flowers, and a friend-filled reception.
• To the newlyweds, it’s shared vows, intimacy, friendship, and adventure.
• To the couple married 15 years, it’s children, companionship, and building.
• To those married 35 years, it’s watching grandchildren grow, the first signs of aging, and slowing down.
• To those who value God above all else, marriage provides a testing ground of faith—a laboratory of the heart that has promise not only for this life but for the life to come.

People change, situations differ, and dreams are shattered. But the same God who made marriage made it to endure the disappointments and predictable seasons of life that mark all good relationships. God can help us grow through the cycles of (1) expectation, (2) covenant making, (3) disillusionment, and (4) growing fulfillment.

Keep in mind, however, that the issue is not just what our Lord says about marriage. Solutions are found by discovering what He has said about basic issues of faith and character and then applying those perspectives to the seasons of marriage. Let’s take a look at some of the more common expectations people have for marriage today.

Our Expectations.
Our society, both religious and secular, has established expectations for the marriage relationship:

1. Marriage will meet my needs.

• The need for affection and sexual intimacy.
• The need for conversation.
• The need for financial security.
• The need to leave home.
• The need for social acceptance.
• The need for family.
• The need for companionship.

Many of these expectations reflect reasonable and even God-given desires. The problem comes, however, when we pursue these desires with shortsighted strategies and motives.

Many enter into marriage expecting it to solve their problems. A daughter who cannot any longer tolerate the anger and coldness of her father or the criticism of her step-mother may get married merely to get out of the house. A son who feels that he isn’t respected by his parents may see marriage as a way of finding some of the personal affirmation he longs for. Yet all too often those who enter into marriage to solve their problems end up in the humiliation of a divorce court saying, “She [or he] just isn’t meeting my needs, your honor.”

Why don’t couples see this coming? Part of the answer is that many of them assume that . . .

2. Marriage will change him/her. Many enter marriage with a predetermined idea of what they want their partner to become. They may disclose it a little before the wedding, but it becomes all too obvious soon enough.

John, a student in seminary, was looking for his concept of an ideal pastor’s wife. He wanted a woman who would be an excellent hostess, who would promote him in every way, who could speak to women’s groups, who would be content to live in the parsonage next door to the church, who could live thriftily on a tight budget, who would produce two children on schedule (preferably a boy and a girl), and who would always be upbeat and happy.

It wasn’t long into his marriage before the trouble began. Becky was sometimes moody and sad. She wanted a little money to spend without having to account to him for every penny. She hated speaking to any group. The first baby didn’t come on schedule, and she was often ill. The more John pushed Becky to fill his expectations, the more she withdrew. She simply could not fit his ideal, no matter how much he pressured her. To avoid such mistakes, some people try the opposite approach.

3. Marriage can be as free as we let it be. Some enter marriage with another, more subtle expectation. They are generous in offering their partner a great deal of latitude and freedom—more than the partner is comfortable with. But at a high price. They want even more freedom for themselves. In return, they expect few demands to be made on them. It’s a live-and-let-live approach. “I won’t ask any questions, and I don’t expect you to ask any either.”

Such attitudes are quite different from . . .

God’s Expectations.
The Bible shows that God’s expectations for marriage are apt to be different from our own. When God said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and when He created Eve as an answer to that aloneness, He did more than just make a provision for man’s needs. The rest of the Bible shows that God has the following expectations for marriage.

1. Marriage will enable us to serve someone else’s needs. In writing his New Testament letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul made it clear that those who are married can expect not only the joys of the relationship but also the responsibilities that come with it (1 Cor. 7:28-35). Paul indicated that in committing themselves to one another, husbands and wives actually must spend much of their time working hard to please one another (vv.33-34).

In one sense, Paul said that such a relationship, while not wrong (v.28), actually limits the amount of time that a person can spend in undistracted service to the Lord. Paul must have been very aware that much of what he accomplished as a traveling ambassador for Christ could not have been accomplished if he had the responsibilities and cares of a wife, home, and family. For all of its joys, marriage has responsibilities that limit our freedom to serve God in an unencumbered way. Our Lord knows that when we marry, we are choosing to serve Him by serving the needs of our partner. Over time, we even have to learn how to keep the marital commitment from rivaling our commitment to, and dependence on, the Lord.

That brings us to a second expectation. While we might enter into marriage hoping to change our partner, God’s expectation is that . . .

2. Marriage will change us for the better. Scripture doesn’t tell us to make sure our life-partner loves, respects, and gives us all the affectional, financial, and physical satisfaction we long for. The Bible never promises that God will make our mates into the kind of people we pray they will be. It does tell us, however, what kind of a heart God can enable us to have if we do our part in bringing out the best in our mate.

Marriage by its very nature demands our own spiritual growth. For us to live with and love someone else “for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health” requires that we learn to put his or her interests ahead of our own. Such love is a general biblical principle (Phil. 2:1-4), but the closeness and responsibilities of marriage give us an ideal setting to help us learn the real meaning of love.

By its very nature, marriage demands commitment, risk, and unselfish investment. For a couple to achieve the unity and love and loyalty and blessing God expects, they must take giant strides of personal growth. They must learn how and when to abandon personal rights so they can experience the richness that comes when the true needs of others (not the selfish demands) are put before their own desires.

As a husband and wife learn to love in this way, they become a window through which others can see the kingdom of God at work. As they surrender themselves to the Spirit and rule of God, they become exhibits of the kind of spirituality that God designed marriage to produce. Friends, children, and extended family are given a chance to see the kind of faithful love, honesty, moral courage, true humility, incredible patience, and tender understanding God can give in marriage. People will not see manipulative or fearful compliance that so often marks marriage. They will see honest caring and friendship.

This kind of love requires us to focus not primarily on our mate’s faults but on our own motives and actions. Such love, however, does not give us permission to assume, “If I don’t demand anything of you, then you won’t demand anything of me.” God’s expectation is that in the most intimate and interdependent way . . .

3. Marriage will place us under the mutual spirit of love. The Bible makes it clear that when a man and woman join in marriage, they become one. And the controlling factor of their oneness is their mutual commitment to care for one another’s well-being for as long as they both live.

This commitment to love means that we must always be looking for positive ways to bring out the best in our mates. It also means that after dealing with our own faults and sins (Matt. 7:1-5), we will find timely and sensitive ways to discourage significant faults in one another. Proverbs 27:6 reminds us that to be faithful, a friend must sometimes say things that will be painful to hear.

The Bible does not give permission to nag, harp, or harshly criticize one another. Proverbs says that it is better to live on the roof than in a big house with a brawling or contentious woman (21:9). But with love comes the responsibility to do everything possible to bring out the best in a mate rather than the worst. Love will not let us indulge the immorality or support the destructive addictions of our partner. As our God shows us by His own example, love is tough when circumstances call for it.

The most significant of God’s expectations for marriage, however, seems to be reflected in His intent that . . .

4. Marriage will be a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. God’s expectation is that husbands and wives will develop an enduring love by keeping their eyes on the “marriage” between Christ and His church (2 Cor. 11:2; Eph. 5:2233). After urging both husbands and wives to see their distinct roles defined by the relationship between Christ and the church, the apostle Paul wrote: “We are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:30-32).

These expectations of God offer great promise for a new or restored marriage. They are expectations that lift us above ourselves, and call from us the kind of love that has its source in God.