It might begin as early as the honeymoon. The suspicion, the shadow that might already have been cast on the back edge of his or her thinking or emotions. A little smudge has appeared on her halo; a little tarnish on his suit of shining armor.

She ignores it. But it keeps coming back. He’s not the gentleman she thought he was. He forgets about her feelings. She makes plans without consulting him. He makes financial commitments without telling her. She ends their arguments without resolution.

Meanwhile, she’s disturbed by the thoughts she’s having. She has become preoccupied with his shortcomings. She remembers how good it felt as a single to make her own decisions and spend her money on whatever she wanted. The more time goes by, the more unhappy and disillusioned she becomes.

Every marriage goes through stages of disillusionment. The new husband and wife run headlong into a gap between what they expected of their marriage and how it is actually turning out. It may occur on the honeymoon or while they are arranging the furniture in their apartment. They work it through, only to discover that disillusionment keeps on coming. It appears during the first months of the pregnancy, while their children are small, in career changes, when their children reach the teens, during their late 40s and middle 50s, and if the Lord gives them good health, into their 70s and 80s.

This is how it is with a man and woman. Neither can be God to the other. Both are inclined toward their own selfishness.

Neither is always satisfied to find contentment in God (phil. 4:1113). Both struggle with and often give in to a heart that is as sinful as the Bible says (rom. 7:14-25). And nothing exposes the flaws of human nature like marriage.

The Closeness Of Marriage.
The very intimacy and shared identity of the marital relationship can cause disillusionment because that degree of closeness exposes our hearts. Unlike business relationships, where the roles are defined to allow for professional “distance,” marriage is designed for oneness. The man and woman soon know each other so very well. They share the pleasure of sex, the stages of pregnancy and childbirth, the excitement of purchasing a new home, the good news of a promotion. They work through health or parental or teenage or financial crises together. They become so close that they know how each other feels and what the other is thinking.

But this closeness has a dark side. They know the best and the worst about each other. His inattention and absorption with work frustrates her. Her refusal to listen and trust his judgment angers him. She knows which words will make him angry or humiliate him. He knows she’ll be hurt by his compulsive spending, but he does it anyway.

In the intimacy of marriage we show our selfishness, our impatience, our insensitivity, our anger. We become insulting, punitive, wounding. The closeness of marriage brings it out. It exposes us to our mate and, perhaps even more painfully, to ourselves. We begin to realize that our mate is not fulfilling our longings for security and affirmation and contentment. We feel betrayed. We trusted one another. Yet in unexpected ways marriage has exposed not only the faults of our mate but also of ourselves.

Wrong Motives For Marriage.
Wrong Motives For Marriage. All men and women, often without realizing it, enter marriage for some unhealthy reasons. Oh, they have a lot of right reasons—to find companionship, to have someone to love and care for, to enter a lifelong relationship, to honor the Lord. But as time goes by, it becomes obvious that even though “opposites attract,” this can become a source of frustrating opposition.

Suppose the man knows he tends to be impulsive. He’s never learned to manage money. He makes compulsive purchases that keep him at the edge of financial disaster. So he chooses a marital partner who is not only physically attractive to him but who also is a steady, self-controlled person. Before marriage, she seems to like his casual and spontaneous approach to life. He, on the other hand, feels safe when he’s with her.

After the marriage, neither can figure out what’s happening. Suddenly they find themselves in a battle of wills over money. She has to play the role of the one who always says no. She’s disappointed in him. She feels the isolation and pressure of carrying a burden that should be shared. She married him to be his wife, not his mother.

The marriage is in trouble because he entered into it with a wrong motive. Other wrong motives a person may carry into marriage are: To get strength to fight an addiction. To get away from a bad home situation. To get protection from a domineering parent. To promote a career. To find much-needed approval. To resolve unhealthy sexual issues. Sooner or later, these underlying motives will show up. And when they do, they will lead to disillusionment that is also rooted in . . .

Destructive Behavior In Marriage.
Some of those sinful, destructive patterns may be:

1. Nagging Criticism. It is “better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman” (prov.21:19). This is also true of a critical husband. Either may be motivated by feelings of inferiority or a need to divert attention from his or her own behavior. Such criticism helps us to see why Jesus taught us to first deal with our own sins before “helping others” with their problems (matt. 7:1-5). Criticism is a dangerous source of disillusionment when it is used to keep attention off our own faults.

2. Anger.Outbursts of anger, unchecked and often over minor issues, attack the security of the marriage. Uncontrolled anger is dangerous to any relationship. Proverbs 22:24 says, “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man do not go.” Yet, when anger suddenly shows up after vows are exchanged, the partner feels disillusioned and trapped.

3. Self-centeredness.When one spouse always has to have it his or her way, the result is contrary to the ways of God (phil. 2:1-4). This can be disillusioning to those who thought that marriage would provide someone who would care for them.

4. Irritating Behaviors.The apostle Paul wrote that love “does not behave rudely” (1 cor. 13:5). So when selfish insensitivities show up either in public or private, a spouse feels unloved. He or she feels vulnerable, undermined, disrespected, and endangered. If our “best friend” treats us like this, where can we run from our enemies?

5. Emotional Dishonesty.One spouse may deny his or her feelings of frustration or disappointment. The perceived reason may be not to “hurt” the other person. The deeper motive, however, is to protect oneself from further hurt or conflict. Self-protection results in a lack of truth, a lack of love, and a growing distance and coolness that leads to deeper feelings of hopelessness.

Disillusionment appears in every marriage. It’s inevitable. To claim that it hasn’t or won’t happen to us is to deny reality. How we face it when it appears may be the most crucial element of our marriage.