There’s a lot wrong with codependency! It doesn’t work. It creates more problems. It’s a violation of love. And it’s a sign of an unrecognized problem.

It Doesn’t Work.
No matter how skillful people are in their codependent strategies, they cannot completely control anything or anyone. Life continues to be unsafe and disappointing. Friends and loved ones may comply temporarily, but eventually they resist and resent being controlled. When codependent people increase their efforts, they become even more controlled by the person or problem they are trying to change. It’s a vicious and exhausting cycle.

It Creates More Problems.
Deep inside, codependent people know that despite all of their efforts, life is getting worse, not better. The following are some of the major problems codependency creates:

Resentment. It’s often a well-kept secret that resentment simmers in the hearts of those who can appear kind and accommodating. They may act agreeable and compliant, but they end up resenting those they try to take care of, rescue, and appease. For example, one wife complained, “After all I’ve done to make my husband happy, he still cheats on me.” A father admitted, “I’ve done so much for my son. I’ve bailed him out of so many tight spots. But he still won’t have anything to do with me unless he needs something.”

Martha, who may or may not have been over-dependent on people, is a New Testament example of a person who was resentful because no one seemed to notice or appreciate her sacrificial efforts. Her sister Mary was getting all of Jesus’ attention, even though Martha was the one who opened up her home and was doing all of the work (Lk. 10:38-42).

People with codependency identify with Martha’s resentment. Family members don’t appreciate their sacrifices. Friends don’t listen to their advice or give them approval and attention. People don’t understand their needs or weaknesses. They feel used, angry, and misunderstood.

Even though they’re resentful, codependent people remain afraid and overdependent, so they keep doing or asking for more and more—only to get the same disappointing results. And the resentment that builds may eventually lead to complaining (sometimes a lot), withdrawing, exploding, or expressing resentment in subtle ways. Many conceal their resentment for years, even from themselves. It took one wife 8 years, for example, before she woke up and realized how angry she was for allowing her husband to force his will on her. Others hide their frustrations for only short periods of time, sometimes striking out regularly at innocent family members and friends.

Stress. Worrying about what others think or need and trying to be everything for everyone generates unhealthy levels of stress. A child, for instance, who takes on the impossible job of keeping a family happy and together will pay a great price. Pleasing others leads to a never-ending search to figure out what people want. Stress builds because what seems to please one day rarely works the next.

Depression And Addiction. Some who can no longer deny that their efforts to change people and protect themselves don’t work begin to ask themselves, “What’s the point?” and just give up. Others, who can no longer tolerate or protect themselves from the pain of life, resort to alcohol, sexual adventure, shopping, television, or staying busy to escape. But they always end up being enslaved by whatever they use to escape and control the pain of life.

Health Complications. Many medical professionals believe that when people hold problems inside, pretend that all is fine, or obsessively worry they put themselves at risk for a variety of health problems, some of which are life-threatening.

It’s Unloving.
Loving others means caring about them and working toward their best interest. No matter how you cut it, rescuing others from their own irresponsible behavior is not in their best interest (Prov. 19:19). It enables them to continue living carelessly and sinfully. The same is true of caretaking. It is unloving because it doesn’t allow others to take responsibility for themselves. It keeps them from growing up. It’s also unloving to manipulate and strong-arm people into doing what you demand.

Eli, the high priest of Israel during the time of the judges, illustrates this form of unloving behavior. His two sons kept for themselves the choice meats from the animals used for sacrifices. They also were sexually involved with the women who served at the tabernacle. Eli knew about their sin, but he refused to confront them. God had this to say about Eli: “His sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them” (1 Sam. 3:13). If Eli had shown tough love and removed his sons from their positions of leadership, he may have gotten their attention and turned their lives around. Instead, he failed to love them and did nothing.

It’s A Sign Of An Unrecognized Problem.
Codependency stems from a problem that is often unseen and buried deep in the human heart. Although faced with the enormous difficulties of life, codependent people add to their pain an even greater problem—a determination to manage life apart from God. Instead of wanting and trusting in God, they are committed to managing life and protecting themselves through their own codependent means.

Though it often goes unnoticed, many codependent people take matters into their own hands because they’ve given up on God. They may trust Him for eternal life, but they doubt His ability to handle daily fears and disappointments. Many don’t trust God because they believe He’s failed to protect and provide for them in the past. They believe their pain and disappointment justifies handling life on their own.