Although the faces of codependency differ, the driving motivations are similar. A careful examination of codependent people reveals that fear, misplaced trust, and poor examples drive them to control and be controlled by people.

Driven By Fear.
All of us are afraid of something. But codependent people are gripped with an inordinate amount of insecurity. Much of the way they think and relate is motivated by a fear of disapproval, rejection, or anger. They often have a nagging dread that something terrible is going to happen if they don’t stay in control.

King Saul, Israel’s first king, was driven by fear. After being confronted by the prophet Samuel for allowing his soldiers to disobey God’s orders, Saul finally admitted, “I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them” (1 Sam. 15:24).

Codependent people are controlled by a similar fear. Some worry about what others might do or think if they fail. Others worry about what they might lose if they aren’t needed. For example, one mother continued to cover up her adult son’s irresponsible behavior because she was afraid that others would view her as a bad parent. Another woman who described herself as a “smother mother” was afraid her children might not love her if they didn’t need her to manage their lives. One man was so afraid of his wife’s anger that he wouldn’t risk confronting her about her out-of-control spending problem.

Driven By Misplaced Trust.
All of us need and depend on other people. It’s appropriate for family members to want each other’s love and acceptance. Friends rely on friends. But people with codependency need and depend on others too much. Something vital is missing inside them, which they rely on others to fill.

Leah, Rachel’s older sister and Jacob’s first wife, was a woman who seemed to need her husband’s love too much. From the start of a marriage that was arranged in deception, Jacob let it be known that he loved Rachel more than Leah (Gen. 29:30). Being second in Jacob’s eyes broke Leah’s heart. She apparently thought, however, that if she gave Jacob children, he would finally love her. After giving birth to the first of six sons, she made a statement uttered by many codependent wives, “Surely my husband will love me now” (v.32). Later, after her third son was born she stated, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons” (v.34). Her desire for Jacob’s love was legitimate, but it seems to have become the focus and consuming goal of her life.

Codependent people make others so important that their ultimate joy and fulfillment in life hinges on others’ love, approval, and presence. They believe they will not be happy unless others accept them, pay more attention to them, need them more, or become what they want. One woman, for example, was so desperate for her dysfunctional family to become close that she ran herself ragged trying to make them want to spend time together. Another woman knocked herself out trying to please her critical mother and gain her acceptance.

Driven By Example.
The sins of one generation are passed on to the next generation by parental example. For instance, the Bible tells the sad story of how all the kings of Israel who rejected the house of David followed the sinful example of their forefathers (1 Ki. 22:52-53).

Many codependent people grew up in homes where they saw a mother or father obsessively please or take care of others. They may have grown up with one parent who had a destructive addiction while the other parent made excuses or pretended the problem didn’t exist. Others may have had parents who handled their insecurities by acting helpless or by intimidation. Nearly every day, they saw codependent patterns of relating, which slowly rubbed off.

Codependency is a learned behavior. But there comes a time when we all must take responsibility for the way we’ve chosen to handle life. Children have no control over the kind of example their parents provide, but they are responsible for either following that example or rejecting it.