Codependent people have countless ways of trying to manage others and their problems.

The Caretaker.
This is not the caregiver who is needed by a seriously incapacitated person. Neither is the caretaker someone who helps those who are in need (1 Th. 5:14). If a friend is sick and you run an errand or watch her kids, that is not caretaking. Caretakers try to do for others what they could and should do for themselves.

Caretakers overanticipate what others need so that they can help. They try to be the hero, eager to fix problems. They feel responsible to change other people’s moods. They offer family members unwanted advice or remind them of something they need to do. They monitor their spouse’s consumption of food or alcohol. They seem to want problems to solve so that they can feel needed and in control.

The Rescuer.
This is not the courageous person who takes personal risks to help people in dire need. Rather, it is the one who bails others out of the consequences of poor choices. Rescuers enable rather than confront problems that others create. They cover for others’ glaring mistakes.

For example, a rescuer will work an extra job rather than confront a family member who consistently wastes money on drugs and gambling that is needed to pay bills. They’ll do homework for intelligent but unmotivated teenagers. They’ll screen unwanted phone calls for family members. They’ll hide a spouse’s sexual or gambling addiction. They “protect” and “defend” others by making excuses for their inappropriate behavior. They clean up messes that their irresponsible adult children create. They control by picking up the pieces and minimizing the seriousness of a problem.

The Pleaser.
This is not the one who is trying to be considerate of the real needs and feelings of others. Instead, pleasers try to do or be what they think others want them to do or be. They are preoccupied with making others happy and not disappointing them. Pleasers readily agree with others so they will avoid confrontation. They are overly accommodating and compliant. They have a different face for every crowd. They strive to live up to the standards of others, even those that are unrealistic. They control others by doing or saying almost anything for anyone, anytime.

The Helpless Victim.
Everyone has weaknesses, but those who play the role of the helpless victim choose to be weak unnecessarily. They don’t just want to be helped, they want to be taken care of. Unlike the caretaker, they need others to take care of them. They send the subtle yet loud message, “I’m too weak to handle life. I need your involvement and cooperation if I’m going to make it.” They manipulate others to feel sorry for them. They pressure family and friends to understand and excuse their inability to handle life. Wanting others to be around them all the time, they absorb attention like a dry sponge. They control others through weakness.

The Intimidator.
Families and churches need strong leaders, but they don’t need leaders who intimidate and lord it over others (1 Pet. 5:3). That, however, is what intimidators do. They get things done—their way. Many are pushy, even without raising their voices. They leave the impression that they know it all. They use knowledge to control. They can be cordial and friendly, as long as others agree with them. But when crossed, they turn mean. Some intimidators even go so far as to verbally and physically abuse those who dare to disagree with them. Behind the tough exterior, however, is an insecure heart that is terrified of losing control and being abandoned by the very people they intimidate.