Codependency is a path that many of us have followed. At one time or another, most of us have been in relationships in which we’ve needed others too much and trusted in our codependent strategies more than God.

Learning to trust God instead of codependency is like jumping from a sinking ship during a raging storm. God is calling us to abandon ship and to trust Him to rescue us. But we don’t hear His voice. Either we are too preoccupied with patching up the leaks and keeping our ship afloat or we’re waiting for better options to come along. Some of us have even gone below deck, resigning ourselves to the fact that we are going down with the ship.

And even if we do hear His call, we hesitate. Our crippled vessel may be taking on water faster than the Titanic, but we resist jumping. The wind is fierce and the waves are high. And who knows what lurks beneath the water’s surface? God says He’s there for us, but we have our doubts. Trusting Him seems to make as much sense as swimming with hungry sharks. We would rather take our chances and wait for someone else to come along who seems more reliable. In the meantime, our sinking ship and our efforts to fix it seem safer, so we remain on board.

The good news is that God is patient and persistent. Although we continue to doubt Him and rely on our codependent strategies, He continues to call us to trust Him. The rest of this booklet will describe a path that leads to something greater than codependency. The path to a better way of living looks different for everyone, but at the core it involves (1) admitting the truth and (2) struggling through the process that is needed to entrust ourselves more
completely to the One who made us for Himself.

Admitting The Truth.
God longs for us to have a confidence in Him that goes beyond trusting Him for salvation. But the process requires a level of honesty about life and ourselves that most of us avoid. We pretend that life isn’t that bad. Even worse, we pretend that we trust in God when we really trust more in others and in our codependent ways.

None of us will find a better way by pretending life is better than it is or that we are what we should be. Only when we honestly admit the truth—about (1) our hurt and disappointment, (2) the style and goal of our codependency, (3) the failure of codependency, (4) the hurt we’ve caused ourselves and others, and (5) our commitment to live independently of God—will the Spirit of truth help us discover a better way.

1. Admitting the truth about our hurt and disappointment. Pain is a part of everyday life. But emotional pain in life can be so deep that it subtly lures us away from God into self protection and an idolatrous way of life. This level of pain is experienced by those who grew up in a rigid, angry home where there was little if any love. It is known by those who were arbitrarily subjected to abuse at the hands of neglectful parents, angry school teachers, mean neighbors, or abusive babysitters. It is familiar to those who were abandoned or who lost a close family member or friend.

If you’ve been deeply wounded, and all of us have, facing your hurt and the effect it has had on you may seem to make as much sense as pouring salt into an open wound. You would rather forget the cutting remarks of a critical parent or what it felt like to be left by someone you love. You may even blame yourself for what others did to you. If you deny the deep pain of life, however, you may end up being controlled by it. And if you never face your pain long enough to see it from heaven’s perspective, you leave yourself wide open to believing Satan’s lie that God is not good and can’t be trusted.

2. Admitting the truth about the style and goal of our codependency. This requires that we take the time to ask God to help us identify and acknowledge the specific ways we relate when we are afraid and overdependent (Ps. 139:23-24). Honesty requires us to admit that the goals behind pleasing or rescuing or caretaking are not as innocent as we may think (Prov. 16:2).

Some may be misled into thinking that the Bible actually encourages codependency. For instance, Jesus exhorted us to go the extra mile (Mt. 5:41). And the apostle Paul said that we should look out for the interests of others (Phil. 2:4). The difference, however, between what the Bible says and what a codependent person does is the goal. An honest look inside the heart reveals that the goal of pleasing or taking care of others, for example, may not be as selfless as it looks.

We need to make the difficult admission that the main goal behind constantly adjusting our life to others, while at the same time trying to control them, is self-protection. We may have experienced such devastating pain and loss that we commit ourselves to never getting hurt again. For example, many of us guard ourselves by not asking for much and not upsetting others. If we just take care of people, give them what they want, or gloss over their problems, we believe they won’t get angry or leave. Others of us protect ourselves by controlling what people think and do. We imagine that people won’t abandon us as long as they are under our subtle or overt control.

Another goal of codependency is to get what we believe we can’t live without—approval and attention. We may be hooked on approval and attention like an addict is hooked on a drug. Consequently, we need to admit that we often please or act weak to get our next “fix.”

Many people with codependency are so controlled by a painful past that they are unknowingly driven to repair it. They mistakenly believe that if they can restage the pain from their early relationships, they can fix what went wrong. They wistfully believe that this time they can make the angry person love them or the alcoholic stop drinking. One woman, for example, grew up taking care of a father who fell apart in the face of anything unpleasant. She married a man just like her father, thinking that she could change him and get what she never received from her dad. Instead, she ended up having to be the strong one and coddling her husband’s feelings just as she did with her father.

3. Admitting the truth about the failure of codependency. Our codependency may seem to make us happy and safe, but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t truly keep us safe. It doesn’t assure lasting approval and attention. And it doesn’t fix our past. Living codependently is like trying to hold water in a container that is cracked and full of holes (Jer. 2:13).

4. Admitting the truth about the hurt we’ve caused ourselves and others. Although others have deeply hurt us, it’s vital to admit that the harm our codependent strategies bring on ourselves often exceeds the harm that’s been done to us.

Pleasing and taking care of others opens us up to greater struggles with stress, depression, and guilt. Allowing our fears to control us puts us at risk for a variety of health problems. Pleasing others and acting helpless or self-sufficient causes more stress, dishonesty, and tension in relationships.

One of the hardest things to admit is that we often set ourselves up to suffer with resentment. For example, we may resent others for not knowing our needs, yet we don’t tell them what we need. Sometimes we tell others to go ahead with their plans, but we resent it when they do.

Without realizing it, codependent people can also hurt others. They can be so focused on avoiding further harm to themselves that they overlook how they hurt people. Those who are too quick to rescue others deprive them of the consequences that are often necessary for change to occur. By doing too much for others, they prevent them from growing. Many rob others of the chance to help by keeping their needs to themselves. Some strike fear in the hearts of others with their intimidation.

5. Admitting the truth about our real problem—a commitment to live independently of God. The most serious threat to our well-being isn’t our painful past. It isn’t our fears and insecurities. It isn’t that a spouse, friend, or parent won’t change and become who we want. Nor is it that we don’t pray or read the Bible enough. If we are to break the pattern of codependency, we need to honestly admit that our real problem is our tendency to manage our world without God. In our understandable desire to live without pain and struggle, we protect ourselves and rely on someone other than Him for our fulfillment and happiness.

Codependency is not just the result of fear, neediness, and a lack of good examples—dynamics that were set in motion during early relationships. It occurs when we replace God and wage our own personal crusade to take control of our lives.

The way out of codependency, therefore, must include an admission of our real problem. Finding the better way requires more than admitting our pain and how we’ve hurt ourselves and others by our codependent strategies. It also requires us to see how we have tried to handle life apart from our God. These are painful admissions, but they invite us to struggle through a process that leads to a better way.

Struggling Through The Process.
Giving up our dependencies and efforts to control isn’t easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. We aren’t naturally inclined to be honest with ourselves long enough for the kind of struggle that is necessary to break loose from a way of life and view of God that is lodged firmly in our hearts.

We must allow time for a new understanding to take root in us. As we prayerfully question and think through our despair, doubt, and disappointment, we will slowly begin to understand God’s way of thinking. While much of our struggle will be alone with God, it’s important to include a few close friends, a wise pastor, or an insightful counselor. The process is always more beneficial when caring people are involved (Gal. 6:2).

Struggling With Our Despair. God sometimes gets our attention by allowing “severe mercies” into our lives. One of those mercies is the temporary despair that sets in when our codependent strategies fail. When we can no longer deny that our system of managing life is breaking down and making things worse, we gradually lose hope in our old ways. As the night falls on our codependency, we may feel confused and helpless. But the good news is that struggling with the torment we’ve brought about by relating to others out of fear and overdependency is making room for a deeper hope.

God actually wants us to enter the darkness and anguish of self-imposed despair. That is why He expressed the following words of disappointment in His children who went out of their way to find other gods: “You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint” (Isa. 57:10). In other words, when their search for more idols turned up empty, God wanted them to admit, “It’s hopeless.” He wanted them to face despair and give up their foolish chase. Instead, they strengthened themselves and pressed on with their search for more idols.

Despair can be our teacher. If we pay attention, despair will expose what we are living for more than anything else. It will help us see what we work so hard to get and believe we can’t live without—the approval and acceptance of others. In other words, self-imposed despair reveals our idolatry.

Struggling with despair also has the potential to stop idolatry in its tracks. Facing the reality of despair can make us so restless inside that we will want to cut loose our idols. The pain of despair can cause us to lose confidence in ourselves to manage life and weaken our stubborn grip on life. The torment of despair can be so intense that we may seriously consider a different path that involves more than simply rearranging our circumstances so that we feel better. In the throes of despair, we can begin to see that there is more to life than codependent efforts to assure the respect and attention of others.

The pain of despair can increase our willingness to hope in what God wants us to hope for—the growth of our own character and a stronger sense of His calling in our lives. There may or may not be much hope for our circumstances to get better or for a relationship to improve. Because we can’t assure that others will deal with their own sin, they may still get angry and leave. Those we care about may go on making self-destructive choices. Relationships may still tragically end. Families may still grow further apart. Although our heartache continues, we can begin to embrace a deeper hope that God is at work in us (Phil. 1:6) and is calling us to live for a purpose that is greater than ourselves (2 Cor. 5:15). We may not understand it all, but we can grow in the hope that He is changing us in ways that can draw others to Himself.

Surrendering to the hope that we can become more like Jesus Christ gives us more reason to give up our false gods rather than give up on life.

While we can’t bear the sins of others as Jesus did, we can learn to follow His example. Jesus didn’t live to protect Himself. He wasn’t controlled by the approval of others. Neither did He try to take control of the lives of those He loved. Instead, He entrusted Himself to His Father in heaven—even to the point of death. As we reflect on the way He trusted His Father, and as we focus on the outcome of His way of life, we can begin to find light in our own darkness. The apostle Paul’s strange exhortation to “rejoice in our sufferings” begins to make sense. Suffering with the pain of despair, while turning our eyes to the Father in heaven, ultimately leads us to a hope that “does not disappoint us” (Rom. 5:3-5).

Struggling With Our Doubt. Though it often goes unnoticed, everyone with codependency has serious doubt about God deep in their hearts. We doubt His love and goodness because we’ve been hurt so much. Whether we believe He caused our hurt or merely allowed it, the fact that He could have prevented it leaves us in a battle to trust Him.

Many of us see doubt as an enemy. We try to silence its whispers by pretending it doesn’t exist. We fail to realize that while doubt can be an enemy of faith, it also can have a positive side. There is another way to view doubt that allows us to see it as an ally of faith. If we struggle with it honestly, doubt can prompt us to search for God by asking the hard questions surrounding our hurt and disappointment. Questions like: “Where were You?” or “Why didn’t You protect me?” or “Why have You allowed so much pain and hurt in my life?”

Consider, for example, a difficult period in the life of Gideon. Judges 6:1-5 explains the context for Gideon’s struggle with doubt. The Israelites were going through a time of enormous oppression at the hands of the Midianites because of their own idolatry. For 7 long years, the Midianites ruthlessly swarmed over Israel’s land during the harvest season like an army of locusts. They ruined and stole most of the crops and killed their livestock. They crushed Israel’s spirit and left the people of God in a state of poverty and hunger.

When the angel of the Lord came to Gideon at the beginning of the harvest season and said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior” (v.12), Gideon’s response was, basically, “Yeah, right.” Listen to his doubt and struggle as he spoke: “If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all His wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian” (v.13).

God didn’t reprimand Gideon for asking questions. Nor did God explain the issue of Israel’s idolatry as being the cause of their oppression. God allowed Gideon to struggle and search by letting him ask honest questions from his heart. Asking God hard questions about difficult circumstances prepared Gideon to see God in a new way, and his faith began to increase.

In his search, Gideon came to believe that God was working in ways he could not see. Gideon’s doubts and fears didn’t completely go away. That’s why he tore down his father’s altar to Baal under the cover of darkness (v.27) and put out the fleeces before agreeing to lead Israel into war against the Midianites (vv.36-40). But he couldn’t ignore a fresh wave of confidence that God was up to something big. Even though he still struggled with doubt, he stepped out in faith against the enemy.

As we honestly face our own doubts, God will show His ability to work in difficult circumstances. He may not show Himself to us as often as we’d like, but He does it more than we realize. Honest struggle with doubt sets the stage for encounters with God that can increase our confidence in Him. The Lord promises that He will reward those who search for Him (Heb. 11:6). How? When? Where? He doesn’t tell us. That’s part of the mystery of God. Nonetheless, we are to keep searching for Him by struggling with the tough questions of life without succumbing to bitterness or settling for simple or pat answers.

Eventually, a truth that is deeper than our painful disappointments can begin to fill our hearts. We can begin to surrender to the perspective that God can use anything to bring about His good purposes. Our faith can expand as our hearts discover God’s presence in our lives. We discover that although God allows certain tragedies to occur, He can take what was intended for harm and use it for good. That is the inspiring message of the troubling Old Testament story of Joseph. He was hated, betrayed, and sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. Yet God used the harm done to Joseph to bring about a greater good (Gen. 50:20).

Struggling With Our Disappointment. As we work patiently through our doubt and despair, a question still remains—what are we to do with disappointment? The good news is that wrestling with the disappointment of life and the disappointment of our sin presents yet another opportunity to redirect our hearts to God.

The Disappointments Of Life. It’s no secret that our lives often fall short of our expectations. Some of us have lost so much. Early relationships weren’t what we wanted, and our present relationships aren’t much better. Yet most of us would rather keep busy and pretend these disappointments don’t exist. Some try to escape the pain through a variety of addictions.

Honestly struggling with disappointment, however, is a better way. God can use these disappointments to help us discover how much we want Him—the One for whom our hopes and desires were made.

We won’t realize how much we want God unless we are honest about our disappointments. Only by facing them can we cooperate with God’s Spirit. Only by facing life will we discover that God occasionally leads His children into the wilderness of loss. There He lovingly lets us become so hungry and aware of our emptiness that we start to want Him more than anyone or anything (Dt. 8:2-3).

If we stay in our disappointment long enough, we can eventually make another discovery—that God cares for us far more than we ever realized. We may not sense His involvement as much as we would like. There will still be times when we won’t feel His loving arms around us. But His seeming lack of care actually makes us want Him more. And as we slowly realize that our desire for Him is our deepest longing, we put ourselves in a better place to recognize Him when He makes His presence known.

Disappointment doesn’t go away until heaven. But struggling with the inconsolable ache of life can reveal, little by little, a desire for God that will begin to fill our hearts. That’s what Asaph discovered while struggling with disappointment. He wrote, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You” (Ps. 73:25). Surrendering to our desire for God frees us to resist the urge to control or escape pain.

The Disappointments Of Our Own Wrongs. Struggling with the disappointment of our sin doesn’t mean that we just try to stop making wrong choices. If that’s all we do, we become self-reliant moralists. Struggling with our moral and spiritual faults means that we acknowledge our helpless condition.

It’s frightening to admit that we’ve wanted to rely on others more than God. We feel vulnerable when we realize that we’ve pushed God away and harmed others with our codependent strategies. Yet, this is where we can encounter the amazing kindness of God (Rom. 2:4).

It is at this very point of helplessness, however, that we must be aware of another common mistake. Once we admit our many failures, we can get so caught up in beating ourselves up that we don’t accept God’s forgiveness. Our preoccupation with self-contempt may feel like godly sorrow, but it can actually be an attempt to stay in control, escape our helpless condition, and atone for our own wrongs. Contempt turned inward can be a refusal to humble ourselves before God, who is waiting to lift us up (Jas. 4:10).

Instead of hating ourselves, it is far better to remain at the mercy of the only One who can atone for our sin. There is only One who bore the full punishment of our sin. Jesus is the One who was raised from the grave after 3 days to show that by His sacrificial death He paid our moral debt in full. By dying in our place, He ca