One of the promises of marriage is that shared love will bring out the best in each other. I remember giving my wife Di an anniversary card that said, “I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you.”

But what happens when husbands and wives bring out “the worst” in their spouses? What can we do when we find ourselves using intimate knowledge of one another’s weaknesses to do mutual harm? I ask these questions because Di and I have been there. In the falls and winters of our marriage, we have seen how difficult a best friend can be. We’ve found that no one can hurt us more than the one who knows us best.

Avoidance Strategies That Don’t Work

As I recall, it didn’t take long for us to discover that marriage is a two-way street where collisions happen with alarming frequency. Early on, I tried to apply defensive driving skills that work better on the road than in a relationship. I soon found that trying to avoid disagreements didn’t resolve any of them. The tendency to want peace at all costs has been one of my biggest mistakes. I’ve learned the hard way that there is no way around the hard work of honestly talking through our differences.

Along the way, I also discovered that the Bible is better lived than quoted in an argument. Looking back, I can see that I’ve made the mistake of selectively quoting “submission” passages in self-centered attempts to get my own way.

Both Di and I have come to see that in times of disagreement we do better when we have made an effort to translate our knowledge of Scripture into the kind of practical wisdom that might be found in Reader’s Digest or Family Circle.

Rules of Engagement That Do Help

We have noticed that it is usually more considerate to observe “rules for fair fighting” than to see “a husband’s leadership” and “a wife’s submission” as a God-given means of avoiding marital disagreements.

Along the way I’ve learned that much of the practical advice that shows up in the popular literature of the day is rooted in better spiritual principle than my initial attempts to assert marital headship. Consider, for instance, the following list. See if you agree that each rule could be a way of applying to marriage one of our Lord’s most basic teachings: Do to others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31).

Rules for Fair Fighting in Marriage

• Agree that an issue is a problem whenever your spouse thinks it is.
• Give one another room for disagreement and the freedom to express a full range of honest feelings.
• Stay on the subject.
• Don’t interrupt or “over-talk” in an effort to keep your spouse from saying what he or she wants to say.
• Preface comments with phrases like “I think,” “It feels like,” or “It seems to me” rather than declaring to your spouse what he or she is really thinking or trying to do.
• Avoid generalizations such as “You always” or “You never.”
• Don’t try to be judges of each other’s character.
• Attack the problem, not each other.
• Don’t argue at mealtimes.
• Don’t use children or parents as weapons.
• Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary “time out” if either of you becomes too angry to continue.
• Stay with a subject to a point of closure. If you can’t resolve your differences, agree on how you are going to handle the disagreement.

This kind of practical advice can make a big difference in a marriage. The fact that it is not expressed in spiritual or biblical language may actually help us test our spiritual integrity. I’ve been around long enough to know that people of the church don’t necessarily have better marriages than their unchurched neighbors. Sometimes we let our strong spiritual restraints against divorce become an excuse for carelessness. The law of marital permanence is often misused as a license for husbands and wives to take one another for granted. It’s not enough to emphasize that marriage is “till death.” We need to show that our marriages are marked by a love that others can understand and appreciate.

A Road That Can Be Walked in Two Directions

Our Lord showed by His own teaching methods that there is benefit in moving back and forth between spiritual insight and natural wisdom. His parables repeatedly tapped the common sense of home, business, and nature. In most cases He appealed to observations that were secular rather than religious in origin. By religious standards, some of His examples were even scandalous. On one occasion He used an unethical businessman to show that sometimes unbelievers are more shrewd at reaching their goals than believers (Luke 16:1-9). In another lesson, He made a hero out of a man (a Samaritan) whom His religious audience would have considered spiritually unclean (Luke 10:30-37). Over and over Jesus used the behavior of outsiders to help His religious listeners see what they were missing.

We too can be humbled and helped by the “Samaritans” of our day. They may not share our spiritual beliefs. But they can usually recognize a healthy marriage when they see one.

An Admission That Renews My Faith

Subjecting our spiritual principles to a “secular road test” has been important to Di and me. More than any other relationship, our marriage has made us aware of our personal need of Christ’s forgiveness, teaching, and renewing presence in us. Nothing has given me more pain—or more joy.

And I have a hunch that the kind of renewal Di and I have experienced is what others are looking for. I’d bet a paycheck (knowing I wasn’t risking a dollar) that when the principles of Christ are applied to the details of marriage, the results look like the kind of mutual love and respect the whole world longs for. —Mart De Haa