A little girl looked at her mother and said, “Mum, I realize that you have more strands of white hair now.” Mum replied, “Yes, every time you disobey me and make me unhappy, one strand of hair turns white.” The girl looked at her mother again and said, “Is that why Grandma has a whole head of white hair?”
This light-hearted anecdote illustrates an undeniable fact: Parenting is not easy; it produces a lot of heartache; it’s challenging! Sometimes, we may feel like giving up. Yes, we may want to parent according to God’s way, but we’re tired. We’re lazy. We’re defeated. Raising godly kids is so complicated.
I’ve entitled this article “How to Raise Pagan Kids”. It’s a tongue-in-cheek title, but I thought it’d be good to consider the question: How do you raise a child who hates God? Who does not believe in God? Who would not want to obey God? Hopefully, by considering things from this point of view, we can realise some of the mistakes we may be making, and instead, raise our kids in the fear of the Lord.
There are four ingredients to raising pagan kids.
Don’t spend time with your kids
The first ingredient is: spend no time with your kids. Sure, buy toys for your children. Buy sweets and chocolates for them. Sure, send your kids to enrichment classes and tuition lessons. Provide your kids with the best in life, but don’t spend time loving them.
Some of us may be chuckling uneasily as we read this. Because our reality may not be far from what I just described. Many parents work hard in the office and struggle to spend time with their kids. Christian author and psychologist James Dobson once discussed the results of a study that examined how much time fathers spend with their young children. The fathers estimated that on average, they spent 15 to 20 minutes a day with their kids. Using recording equipment to verify this estimate, the study discovered that the real figure was only 35 seconds per day: three conversations of 10 to 15 seconds each.
Have you eaten? Have you studied? Have you brushed your teeth? That might be your 35 seconds right there.
In a very real way, kids today are crying out for time with their parents. And many parents, myself included, have fallen into the trap of not giving our kids enough time.
But here’s the truth: our children can have many teachers. They can have many friends, but they can only have one father and one mother. So, don’t leave their upbringing to someone else, not even to their grandparents. Children need time with their parents.
Don’t discipline your kids
Step number two in raising pagan kids: Don’t discipline your children. Tell yourself: “Disciplining children is very old-fashioned. It’s passé, especially if I’m already on bad terms with my kids. I don’t spend much time with them to begin with, so I don’t want to strain the relationship by caning them. It will just make things worse. Anyway, my kids are quite alright. They’re little angels. They will grow up to be fine people. Just give them time to mature.”
All of us have heard such arguments before. Maybe, we’ve even said them to ourselves.
But what does God say? The Bible is very clear: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24).
Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about discipline:
Discipline brings hope
Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death”. Discipline brings hope! If you don’t discipline them, if you don’t restrain them, they may end up destroying their lives. So when I think about how tiring it is to discipline my children, I also remind myself of the consequences of not disciplining them. And that strengthens me to say, “Let’s do it for their ultimate good.”
Discipline drives folly away
Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away”. Children are adorable when they are infants. They look like little angels and their cheeks are so pinchable. But actually, they are baby-faced assassins. They’re cute monsters, because their hearts are wicked. The Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure” (Jeremiah 17:9). Man’s original nature is not goodness, but sinfulness. And that’s why we need the rod. “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die” (Proverbs 23:13). When you discipline, you’re saving your child from folly.
Discipline brings wisdom
Proverbs 29:15 says: “A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.” Satan wants us to not discipline our kids. He wants us to let them develop according to their sinful nature. But Scripture tells us it is the responsibility of parents to discipline their children in the way that they should go. Does God discipline His people? Yes. Sadly, many churches today claim that God does not discipline. Such people may think believing in Jesus means that your life will be smooth and pain-free. This is simply not biblical (Hebrews 12:5-11).
When I discipline my kids, I always tell them the reason why. They don’t believe it at first, but I think they eventually realize that although punishment may hurt, it’s meant to help them. And so the Bible says, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son” (Hebrews 12:6).
Why does He sometimes allow Christians to go through pain? Because we are in the wrong. Because we are sinning against Him. Because we are rebelling against Him. And so, He allows us to experience pain, so that we may realize our errors. That we may repent and turn back to Him. And He does so because He loves us.
Discipline brings righteousness
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful” (Hebrews 12:11). Why inflict such pain? Because “later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (v. 11).
I love my kids. I don’t want them to be spoiled brats. I want them to have righteousness and godliness in their lives. I want to shape their hearts and direct them towards Jesus Christ our Saviour, so that later on, a peaceful fruit of righteousness will be yielded (Hebrews 12:11).
We will be held accountable
The Bible tells us of a father who raised terrible kids. Eli was a high priest during the time of Samuel. He allowed his sons to desecrate God’s ordinances and the temple. They lived in greed, lust and covetousness. They shamed God’s name. But you know what? The Bible says in 1 Samuel 3:13: “I told [Eli] that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons uttered blasphemies against God, and he failed to restrain them.” God dealt with his two sons appropriately, but God also held Eli accountable.
When your home doesn’t turn out well, God holds the leader of the home accountable. And when the kids at home are not doing what’s right, God holds the father accountable.
Don’t teach them the gospel
Step number three, tell yourself: I don’t need to teach my kids the gospel. Why? Because church is in charge of that. Leave it to the experts!
Say to yourself: Just like how I send my kids for swimming lessons, Chinese tuition, or piano classes, I send my kids to church. It’s about delegation. I will focus on my career and on providing a better material life for my kids. Everything else, I will delegate! That’s what parenting is all about!
Many people may think this way. Now, I’m not saying that as parents, you shouldn’t ever delegate. If you’re hopeless in swimming, then don’t teach them swimming, or both of you will drown. But when it comes to teaching the Word of God, no delegation is allowed. I‘m not saying that other people can’t teach your kids, but you cannot abdicate this responsibility. Why? Because it’s clearly stated in the Bible: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
Fathers, this is your job! Too many people think that raising kids in the way of the Lord is the responsibility of the church. If something goes wrong, they blame the church. They put their hope in the church, but the Bible says, “It is the job of the fathers.” The word used here—“fathers”—demonstrates the leadership role the father has to take up. Just as God said, “Eli, where are you?”, He may be asking us today:“Fathers, where are you?” There can be no saying, “I’m forging a career out there. The family is my wife’s domain.” No! Fathers, you’re responsible for instructing your kids.
The Greek word “instruct” is nouthesia, from which you get the word nouthetic, or counselling. It means to put into the mind—we are responsible for putting into the minds of our children the teachings of the Lord.
How much time does your kid spend in church on Sunday? Maybe 1.5 hours. How many hours are there in a week? 168 hours. So, your kid spends less than 1 per cent of his life in church on Sundays. If you think that Sunday school and youth ministry should be solely responsible for raising your kids in the teachings of God, you are really short-changing your little ones!
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up”. Indeed, we are to use everyday experiences to bring God into our children’s lives. Do your best to link anything and everything in everyday life to God. Lead them to the gospel every opportunity you get. That’s what parenting is all about. If we don’t teach our children who God is, someone else will teach them everything that He isn’t.
Our children need the gospel The whole world around us today is working to lead your children away from God. The Bible warns us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world” (Romans 12:2). There is pressure on your kids from all sides, moulding and shaping their minds to be anti-God.
Our children need the gospel. They need to know that the law condemns us (Galatians 3:10,11). It proves that we are guilty before an absolutely holy God and then the gospel tells us that there is a loving Saviour, God’s son, Jesus Christ, who died and gave himself to save us from our sins (1 Peter 2:24) Yes, the Bible has a lot more than the gospel, but it’s centred on the gospel. It is about God’s redemptive plan for sinful humanity (Romans 1:16,17). Parents, don’t just teach the letter of the law. Don’t just teach the ten commandments. Don’t just teach these things without the gospel of Jesus Christ.
And take it upon yourself to know the Bible well. Take it upon yourself to learn how to handle Scripture. Take it upon yourself to say, “I’m going to learn how to study the Bible and how to teach it to my kids.”
Be obsessed with success in this world
The three deceptions we have already discussed are important, but the fourth goes right to the heart of the matter. It’s the most special ingredient in the recipe for raising a pagan child: Make sure we as parents are obsessed with success in this world.
The addiction of worldly success Do you know worldly success can be an addiction? Sure, we don’t smoke. We don’t inject drugs like heroin into our system. But I think many of us may have injected the drug of worldly success into our soul. And now, we may have an unstoppable craving for it! The devil is real good at deceiving us. He may tell you: “Hey! You’re doing well in your career. You should put in more time to please your boss, so that you can get promoted. Then you can make more money and provide for your family better. Your family needs a bigger house. They need a nicer car. They need nicer food, because all their friends have nicer food, and you don’t want them to feel inferior, right? You need to give them better holidays. You need to ensure that they go to Yale or Harvard. You need to provide the best for your kids, so work hard. It will give your children the good life.”
That’s how many of us operate, isn’t it? We sell ourselves to our careers, sacrificing our family, because we believe that the good life comes with success in this world. And that’s what we teach our kids. We make them study real hard so that they get straight ‘A’s. Why? So they can get into a good school. Why? So that they can get a good job. Why? So that they can make good money. Why? So that they can have a good life. That’s our linear equation, which is so wrong, because there is no God in how we think.
And so, we raise very smart, educated, successful, pagan kids. They look like Christians when they go to church. They know what to wear, when to stand, when to sit, when to sing, and what verses to recite. But their hearts are far from God. Why? Because they only come to church once a week. The rest of their time is spent swimming with the sharks of the world. Their whole mindset is centred on worldly success.
And parents, because you’re all absorbed with pursuing success in this world, you now have no time to spend with your kids. You now have no energy to discipline your kids. You now have no desire and no bandwidth to go for Bible study and learn how to teach your kids God’s Word. So you send them to church, telling yourself the church will teach them. You soothe your conscience, but you don’t really know what’s happening in their hearts.
Listen to this story: a father brings his child along for a ride to the store. He parks in an open-air car park under the hot sun because he figures he’s only going to be going into the store for a moment. He winds up the window, locks the door with the child inside, and goes into the store. He loses track of time, and returns to find the child dead. Can it be that we are doing something similar? We think that this “career phase” of our lives is only temporary. We say, “Hey! Let’s be realistic. I’ve got to work for a living, right? I’ve got to work hard to provide for my family, right? So don’t blame me for neglecting my children. It’s just for a while. I’ll make it up to them later.” But how long have you been “in the store”? And, what’s been happening to your children?
With God’s help
In conclusion, we now know the winning recipe for raising pagan kids: Don’t spend time with them, don’t discipline them, and don’t teach them the gospel. And most importantly, be obsessed with worldly success.
Of course, as I mentioned earlier, this article’s title is a tongue-in-cheek one. Really, I hope to raise these four deceptions so that we can be more careful not to fall into their traps.
As we endeavour to spend time with our kids, discipline them and teach them the gospel, and as we strive to escape from the clutches of addiction to worldly success, let me leave you with some final thoughts.
You might have heard John Wesley, and his brother Charles. They are the founders of Methodism. They had a great mother—Susanna Wesley. She said, “The parent who studies to subdue (self-will) in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving a soul;, the parent who indulges it, does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child, soul and body forever.”
You are part of the devil’s work if you indulge your child in his self-will. But you’re doing what God wants when you seek to subdue his self-will.
Christian theologian and author Kevin DeYoung once said, “I want to spend time with my kids, teach them the Bible, take them to church, laugh with them, cry with them, discipline them when they disobey, say sorry when I mess up, and pray like crazy. I want them to look back, and think I’m not sure what my parents were doing or if they even knew what they were doing, but I always knew my parents loved me and I knew they loved Jesus.”
Maybe, raising godly kids is not that complicated, after all.
Jason Lim is a former medical doctor who has heeded God’s call for full-time pastoral ministry. He has been the Senior Pastor of Gospel Light Christian Church in Singapore since 2007. He is blissfully married to Winnie since year 2000, and God has blessed them with two sons, Shawn, 11, and Matthias, 7. His passion is for the gospel to be central in the lives of God’s people, and he equips his church to be leading generations into a life-changing relationship with Jesus Christ.
