By Agustinus
I never thought I’d experience a moment like that day. I was in a hospital room, holding my father’s hand as he took his last breath. It was a heartbreaking yet touching moment that felt unreal, especially since our relationship wasn’t great. I had more reasons to hate him than to love him. He had me out of wedlock and rarely showed up. This left me with the heavy stigma of being a broken-home child.
In short, my father and I were never close, either physically or emotionally. I hardly knew how he spent much of his life. However, when I heard about his accident and illness, I chose to care for him until God called him home.
After my father passed away, I thought it was time to start fresh. I believed that my care for him during his illness had shown our reconciliation, closing that chapter of my life. However, two years later, I faced unexpected trouble. Unknown callers targeted my workplace, pressuring me to settle my late father’s debts. Worse, they also harassed my mother at her house, where she lived alone.
At that moment, my emotions were hard to describe. “Lord, must I forgive again? Was my previous forgiveness not enough, and now I have to bear these huge debts?” I wondered. The debts were real, legal, and inherited, adding a new burden on me.
Being Big-Hearted Requires Great Love
After two weeks of seeking both spiritual and legal counsel, I made a decision that, to those around me, seemed like surrender. I chose to negotiate with the creditors and settle the debt within two months.
The debts were undeniably burdensome, but what weighed even more heavily was how those numbers brought up old wounds from the past. They weren’t just about money; they also represented unresolved history. Deep inside, I groaned. Why should I bear the cost of someone else’s mistakes?
But praise the Lord, during these difficult times, He slowly guided me to see love for what it truly is. It’s more than just a concept or Christian jargon. Love is a mighty act that comes from God Himself; to truly understand it, we must first experience it.
The Bible offers numerous stories of individuals transformed by God’s love. Among them, Saul, the persecutor of Christians, stands out as the most striking and memorable.
Saul, a Jew from the tribe of Benjamin, held Roman citizenship. Born in Tarsus, he studied under Gamaliel, a highly respected teacher of the law. Saul grew up as a Pharisee, the strictest sect of Judaism, believing that absolute obedience to the law was the only way to attain righteousness before God. To Saul, Christianity was a serious threat!
Christians taught that salvation no longer depended on adherence to the law, but on God’s grace through faith in Christ. To Saul, this sounded like blasphemy. How could Jesus, who died on a cross—a punishment for the worst criminals—be the promised Messiah? How could someone crucified, which according to the law was cursed (Deuteronomy 21:23), be the Son of God?
As Christ’s followers increased, Saul’s concern grew. Driven by zeal, he pursued, captured, and persecuted Christians, believing he was defending the true faith (Acts 9:1-2). But we know how the story unfolded. Saul’s fervor for persecuting Christians abruptly ended when, on his way to Damascus, a sudden light from heaven surrounded him. He fell to the ground, and a voice called his name, ” Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” Confused, Saul asked, “Who are you, Lord?” The voice replied, ” I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting” (Acts 9:4-5). Instantly, he lost his sight and had to be led to Damascus.
Three days later, through Ananias, Saul not only regained his sight but also received the love and grace of Christ. From being a persecutor, he became a devoted preacher of the Gospel, tirelessly spreading the good news to the nations. His life was now completely devoted to Christ.
Saul, later known as Paul, might have initially believed he understood all about God’s love. He firmly believed that defending the law, even through violence, was his loyalty to God. But everything changed when he personally encountered Christ.
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Paul’s transformation resonates deeply with me. Though I wasn’t a persecutor of God’s people, I was once like Saul, thinking I knew everything about God. Just as Saul believed he loved God by upholding the law through violence, I believed I had loved God simply by deciding to forgive at one point in my life.
However, love is not a one-time payment that comes with a receipt as proof. Instead, love is a continuous action we must practice throughout our journey. It’s not a finish line. I believed that by caring for my father in his final days, I had fully forgiven him. But life taught me that love must be tested continuously, often in unexpected ways—such as bearing the burden for something that wasn’t my fault.
Furthermore, when Paul wrote that love “never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT), I began to understand that love isn’t just about feelings or good intentions. It’s also about the perseverance to keep practicing it. If I truly want to love, I must continually experience God, for He alone is the source of love.
Love may not heal my past wounds, but it paves my path to the future by giving me confidence that the God who strengthened me yesterday is the same God who will continue to strengthen me today and beyond.
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Today, as you reflect on this, I invite you to consider: Are there wounds from your past that still cause pain?
I truly understand the pain you’re describing. It’s a heavy burden to bear, struggling to forgive and thinking it was over, only to realize that reality demands even more. Yet, I’ve come to realize that true love isn’t something we can create from our own efforts alone. Just as Paul couldn’t have loved the people he once persecuted without first experiencing the love of Christ, I couldn’t have forgiven my father if it weren’t for God, who first forgave me.
We may not have the dramatic encounter with Jesus that Paul did, but we can still experience His presence through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit works in His Word, illuminating our hearts and opening our eyes to see true love. This love not only bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things but also transforms us. When we experience that love, we can share it—not because we are strong, but because we have first been embraced by the Love that changes everything.
Blessings!
Our Daily Bread Ministries in Indonesia is supported by the freewill offering of individuals in Indonesia, who through their gifts enable us to continue to bring the life-changing wisdom of the Bible to many here. We are not funded by any church or organisation.
