We will never be totally free from codependent tendencies until we see Christ face to face. Those of us, however, who begin to admit our misplaced trust can also begin to discover something that is better than our doubt, despair, and disappointment. In the process we can start to become people who find a better way—living for God and others, and living with God and others.
As our faith, hope, desire, and appreciation for God grows, we will learn to enjoy Him more than anyone or anything else. To our delight and surprise, we will also find an increased capacity to enjoy the people in our lives. But we will do so with a new freedom. We will increasingly see everything other than God as being secondary pleasures that are made to be enjoyed but not depended upon.
It is when we pant for God like a deer pants for water (Ps. 42:1), especially in the throes of loss and heartache, that we discover there is more to live for than the pursuit of good times.
In a path that is better than codependency, we can also open ourselves to receiving and giving love. We can start to take down our walls of self-protection and let people in. Rather than just doing things for others, we can allow others to do things for us. Instead of clinging to others out of over-dependency, we can let them go without reluctance. And we can learn to give to others for their sake. Instead of trying to make others change for our good, we can learn what it means to invite them to change for their good. Instead of always being in charge, we can learn to be flexible and considerate of others’ thoughts and opinions. Instead of rescuing others, we can allow them to take responsibility for their choices. Instead of always adapting ourselves to what pleases others, we can express our needs and stand against what is destructive.
If we detach from unhealthy dependencies and relate differently to others, some will not like these changes in us. We will have taken back the power they’ve had over us. Some will attack us with words or try to make us feel guilty. This is not, however, a time to fall back to our old codependent ways. Instead, this is a time to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). (See When Words Hurt for more discussion on how to lovingly confront.) It will be a time for us to show our new conviction that God alone is worthy of our deepest hope and confidence (Ps. 56:4).
