Wise parents try not to make their children behave. They realize that they cannot force their children to be good any more than a horse can be forced to drink water. You can lead the child to be good, but you can’t make him. That’s the power of the human spirit. Children who are sitting down on the outside can still be standing up on the inside.

This is not to say that you don’t have to make children do things they don’t want to do. There are exceptions, especially in the early years.

One of the most important lessons to be learned as a parent is mirrored in the way God deals with His children. He is a contract-making God. He tells us what will happen if we do what He tells us to do. Then He tells us, with sufficient specificity, what will happen if we refuse. He offers to help us make good choices if we ask Him for wisdom and readily offers to help us do anything He wants done that we cannot do on our own.

Central to the whole relationship with His children is the matter of choice. If His children go bad, it is their choice to do so. When they suffer the consequences, it is because they knowingly chose to go against His will.

Put this in a parenting relationship. This is the opposite of trying to make all of our children’s decisions for them, and then trying to jump in and protect them when they have made bad choices. It is also the opposite of just trying to make our children do what we want them to do.

The best we can do is to show them clearly what we expect, and within what period of time. Tell them what will happen if they obey. Tell them what will happen if they don’t. Then let them choose the consequences. If they end up being grounded, if they lose television privileges, if they are not allowed to use the car, if they have to go to bed an hour early, or if they are not allowed to go with the family to a ballgame—it’s because of their choice, not ours.

Teaching our children to choose their own path, and then letting them experience the pleasurable or painful results of their own choices, is one of the most important things we can do—not only for them but also for our own peace of mind.

To the extent that we do this, we can stop yelling, threatening, and repeating ourselves. It means we can stop complaining and nagging to pick up the pile of clothes in their room. It means we can lower our voice and be civilized about our expectations. It is to say, “From now on, children, you choose how it will be with you. As God fathers us, so we will parent you. We’re here for you, but on these terms. It’s your move.”