One of the greatest gifts we can give in friendship is that of active listening. Active listening is attentive listening that focuses on feelings. Pity has to do with feeling about the other person; the focus is still on ourselves. Sympathy is better and has to do with feeling with the other person, but we may get entangled with the person’s problems and drown in their sorrow. Empathy is the best response, for it has to do with feeling into a person, and we are then able to respond compassionately.
When communication involves feelings and when pronouns such as “I”, “you”, and “we” are used, it means we are communicating with one another deeply.
We must be careful to guard against obstacles that short-circuit the process of active listening and the development of friendship. They are: prejudice, preoccupation, defensiveness, fear, lack of compassion, and so on. The more we overcome these barriers, the more we can become friends.
As we age, we must also be aware of the seasons of a friendship. Paula Ripple discusses the spring, summer, fall, and winter of friendships. Spring is a season of excitement and discovery. New friendships are easier to sustain because there has been no time of testing, no past memory of coldness or conflict (see Song of Songs 2:10–12).
Summer is the season of growth, inner security, and surer communication (see Philippians 1:3, 6–7).
Fall is marked by the profound loneliness that is experienced even in friendship. We come to terms with our own loneliness, a part of life no friend or lover can take away from us. There is a need to discover personal solitude (see John 14:1–2,4).
Winter is the season that brings out the faithfulness of friendship: the faithfulness to commitments and the quiet celebration of a long friendship (see Proverbs 17:17). This tells us that friendship is a journey and can mature over time; it has its various seasons and challenges.
As we age, we need to reflect on our friendships with significant others. We have to ask questions and reflect on our active listening: Who are the people I like to listen to? Who are the people who are difficult for me to listen to? Who listens to me when it is important? When did my listening help someone? When did I fail to listen to someone who needed me?
We can learn much from Jesus, who told His disciples, “I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15).
He also said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). The marks of true friendship are sacrificial love and trusting transparency. Our friendship with Jesus helps us to be true friends to others. Can you think of some old and new friends who need your friendship?
Consider this:
Make a list of friends you have under the four seasons of friendship discussed in this chapter. How do you keep in touch with old close friends? Are you developing new friendships? What sort of friend are you to others?
Excerpted and adapted from Growing Old Gracefully by Robert Solomon. © 2019 by Robert
Solomon. Used by permission of Discovery House. All rights reserved.
